Two Words

Asperger's Syndrome.  In short, it is an Autism spectrum disorder, thought to be high-functioning because of its preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. 

If  you look it up, you will not see my son, Benjamin, in most of the descriptions or symptoms.  He does not flap.  He does not stare off into space endlessly.  He is not obsessed with pieces of toys.  He hugs, kisses, laughs, loves to be snuggled, loves to play interactive games, and loves to learn new things.  He does sometimes avoid eye contact.  He does mildly obsess over fans and musical instruments.  He has trouble with social skills and initiating play with other kids.  He does freak out in new situations and crowds.  He has a heck of a time with transitions and unexpected changes.  He can throw an impressive tantrum.  He also did not talk until he was 3&1/2, which led to some confusion when he was diagnosed, but he has struggled with some physical issues from our complicated pregnancy and his premature birth that probably delayed his speech. 

Those issues didn't cause it, I didn't cause it, and for everything I've read that claims to know what causes it, I find at least a dozen more published statements to contradict it.  It is mysterious, almost impossible to fully grasp, especially because every child who is diagnosed as somewhere in the spectrum is different in many ways from every other one.

I will tell you, hearing a doctor utter those words hits you like I imagine a Mack truck full of bricks would.  And you have to immediately decide how you are going to handle that diagnosis, as suddenly every single day becomes important in helping your child.  Are you going to try to find another specialist who might say something else?  Pull a Jenny McCarthy and look for a cure while declaring yourself a "warrior mom"?  Writhe around in denial and try to ignore it?  Buy buttons and T-shirts that say, "My child has Autism.  What's your excuse?"  Try to hide it?  Scream it from the roof tops and dare anyone to have a problem with it?

My response was, and still is, to hit the ground running to find and gather resources to help my son cope.  I have learned a great deal in the last few months but often still feel as if I know nothing.  Some days I am okay, and some days I struggle.  Every single day I am struck by the power of my love for my son, and I am constantly learning lessons and finding shifts in my attitude toward just about everything, including my students and the people in my life.  I have not, unfortunately, developed more patience, and I am constantly aware that all of the resources Ben needs are not in place yet.

I have shared his diagnosis with some people, but I am beginning to feel very strongly that it is not and should not be a secret.  There isn't anything "wrong" with him, or my parenting.  He is different, but not inferior.  He is unique and he is amazing, and he is the best gift I have ever received.

I briefly considered having a T-shirt made that says, "Didn't your mother teach you not to stare?" for those times when he freaks in public and that is all everyone seems to do, but that isn't really my way.  Having an outlet is, and that is my hope for this blog: to have a place to go to let it all out, whether the "it" be joys, frustrations, celebrations, set-backs, or anger at people too narrow to understand that all children are different, special, and valuable.

And most importantly, I hope this will be a place to celebrate Benjamin.