Sinking

This post isn't about Ben.  It's about me.

Something is happening to me that I don't understand.  Emotionally, I am sinking further and further into some kind of unfamiliar dark and gloomy pit that I can't seem to claw my way out of.  To say I feel sad is an understatement of huge proportions.  I cry.  A lot.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I get angry quickly and feel horrible about my anger afterward, even if I had the right to feel angry.  I snap at people who don't deserve it and get way more upset about little things than I should.  I get a tight feeling in my chest and I feel absolutely helpless and hopeless sometimes.  And right now, just trying to write about it and explain it, I am crying so much I can barely see the screen.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

A very supportive little FB group I'm in has mentioned that every mom of a kid with Autism suffers from some kind of depression.  That statement completely caught me off guard and I found myself holding my breath as I re-read it.

See, I don't get "depression".  I am Danica, and I am too strong for that kind of "crap".  I deal with things and buckle down and take care of business and move on and solve the problems and figure it out, even if that means cutting people out and off or accepting that sometimes things and certain people just suck and I have to move past them.

At least, that's what I thought I did.

Right now I'm too weepy to do any kind of buckling down or moving past.

This is the point where I need to clarify that I love my son more than anything and feel blessed to have him in my life.  I love his smiles and laughter, his funny ways, his sense of humor, his imagination, his loving little spirit, his determination, and the fact that I am the one he still needs and snuggles with when the going gets tough for him.  He is my most important purpose and priority and he is totally worth the effort, stress, and anxiety that comes along with an Autism diagnosis.  I'm worried about not being a good enough parent, though.  But that's always a worry.

I also feel I need to reassure everyone that you will not see me in the newspaper headlines.  I will not do anything crazy or horrible, and  no one will call you to interview you about whether or not you knew I was off my rocker.  I promise.  I'm not so bad off that I can't see this happening and that I don't know something is up.

I have been steeling myself against the possibility that it may be more than feeling a little blue and that I may need to mention this to my doctor, should I ever get a chance to do that.  I will surely have another sinus infection soon and that may give me the opportunity.  It doesn't sit well with me, though.  Not that I judge others for needing meds or help, but I simply thought I didn't have "that problem."  I'm not supposed to have it.  I don't have time to have it, and I certainly don't want to have it.  I am learning, though, that I am not always so strong as I'd like to be.