Anxious

Ben's ARD meeting(Admission, Review, and Dismissal--it only took teaching for about six years to figure out what that stood for) is Monday afternoon, and I am so anxious about it I can hardly stand myself.  His last ARD did not go well, seeing that his PPCD (Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities) teacher saved up a bunch of concerns, all the while telling me everything was fine, and then listed about a dozen behavior concerns in a note read by the diagnostician while she wasn't even there.  I felt like a bomb had just been dropped on me, while the diagnostician and pre-school teacher frowned at me and said, "Well, surely she's made you aware of these things before.  They can't be a surprise, since it is so easy to email you." 

Yes, he is my son, and yes, a very few of those behaviors were concerns at home, and yes it is VERY easy to email me, but a lot of them were things we had never seen, since he is far more anxious at school than at home and that is when those behaviors rear their ugly heads, and she had indeed FAILED to mention them.  So, YES, it was a surprise, much like an earthquake.  We had to have a principal/parent conference to get down to the bottom of it somewhat and establish communication schedules.  I am not exactly worried about that kind of thing this time, since I have the Autism Assessment Summary and we had already had him assessed by a private doctor before allowing the district to assess him (which I highly recommend doing, by the way), but I do have worries.

I am afraid they are not going to provide Occupation Therapy services, or that they won't allow him to have it frequently enough.  I am afraid he will struggle educationally because of his Asperger's issues and that they won't do enough about that.  I am afraid his teacher is not actually going to be able to carry out the intervention plan that the committee chose.  And I am very afraid she won't tell me if she can't.  Ben talks much better now, but he can't explain whether or not something like that took place.  He does have a different PPCD teacher this year, but I have found that the most awful thing has happened.  I don't trust his school, or even teachers in general, very much any more. 

I am a teacher and I work my butt off teaching in this very same district and it has been a very harsh wake-up call to realize that this is a problem in my district, in my son's school, and with my son's education and chances for success.  I am far from perfect in any aspect of my life, but I do work hard to be a good teacher and to give all of my students, regardless of their challenges, every chance for success.  I do believe having Ben and being on the other side of things has made me a better and more understanding teacher, and while I would like to believe that would be true of all teachers who are parents (or who are not), I have learned that is not true.  Ben's education and future are just too precious to gamble with, and so of course I am stressed about it.  Severely.