Not the End of the World

A friend of mine who has a child on the spectrum said, upon hearing that we had decided to suck it up and have Ben tested, "Remember, even if it isn't what you wanted to hear, it's not the end of the world." 

At that time, I was still hovering between denial and sort of realizing Autism might actually be a piece to Ben's puzzle.  But despite having begun to see some symptoms in him, I walked into that office determined to disagree with whatever the doctor said, no matter how smart and experienced she was.  I had read about Asperger's and just knew that wasn't it; maybe he was on the spectrum somewhere in that murky low end, but he did not have Asperger's.  I had prepared myself to hear "Autism Spectrum", and I had even begun to try to accept that, telling my mom, "I've decided it just doesn't matter.  The diagnosis won't change him and I will love him just as much as I do now."  But I was still determined that, whatever the doctor said, I was going to strongly disagree.  It was my issue with defiance that was speaking.  I'll just blame it on that.

I was sort of right, which means I was also sort of wrong.  I was wrong that it wasn't Asperger's, obviously, and I was wrong that I wouldn't be bowled over by that doctor's great big brain and all her experience.  Even though the words on the Internet did not fit my child, her deeper knowledge of Asperger's did.  It explained quirks that I knew were issues but attributed to other things, and it also explained quirks I didn't even know were concerns.

I was right that, in the big picture of our lives, it doesn't matter.  And I was right that, of course I love my child just as much as ever, with that all-powerful, end of the Earth-reaching Mommy Love that we do not know exists until we become parents.  It has also helped me understand him better, and I am learning more and more ways to help him.  And even though finding ways to help him will probably be a life-long journey, knowing about that little piece of Ben's puzzle has definitely added to our lives and has not taken anything away.  I still have my wonderful, smart, funny, sweet, mischievous Ben and I love him more than ever.

The Asperger's diagnosis was not the end of the world- not even close.  It has been the beginning of a better understanding of my child, less harsh judgement against myself as a mother, and that journey we are on to help Ben be happy and successful.